Falling Gracefully

All the time, I had only wanted to love, to know what love feels like, to love and be loved, by a one and only.

But I haven't been able to.

Why?

I have come to realise that the only standing between me and love is myself. Me, not letting myself love, or fall in love, or to give love. I was holding back.

In a game of "socks skating," or probably any form of skating for that matter, it is important that one learns to loosen up and let go, especially at the verge of falling. What one needs to learn is how to fall gracefully, as to not hurt ourselves or look clumsy. There is, certainly, ways to fall gracefully and recover without looking like a fool. But the first step is to let go and let one-self fall.

Can I fall gracefully and recover, in love?

Not yet, thus far.

When the moment comes, I find myself holding back, being scared - scared of falling for the wrong reasons, scared of getting hurt, scared of being too involved, too early - I tighten up.

But guess what? I got hurt anyway. Somehow, one way or the other, no matter how much I hold myself back, how much I try not to be too involved, I still got hurt. I'm a very feeling person. I feel the loss, the emptiness very deeply. But to make it worse, I even have regrets - regrets of what could have been, regrets that I shouldn't have done that just to protect myself when my heart wanted otherwise, regrets that if I had been more honest and sincere with my feelings, it would have been mirrored. But all that is too late... too late. I hurt other people's feeling, I hurt myself, wasting everyone's time and energy, when I choose to hold back in the last minute.

My fear is not unfounded though. The first time I dated a guy I claimed not to like very much, when we broke up, I cried like madness, I felt like my whole life is crumbling down. Took me a year to recover. The last time, I met this guy twice, and he felt like the world to me. I couldn't get his name and thoughts of him out of my head for... umm, another year.

Either way, I was just plain clumsy, stumbling all over the place, lots of cuts and bruises. Is there a way to fall gracefully? And then to recover well and alive?

People say to be not so intense. But I panic.

Perhaps a little more practice would do.


Fall? Here I come...

Do I Remember How It Was Like To Be In Love?

One day, I sat and asked myself this question. How it was like to be in love? Do I remember a time?

And I remembered a time, when I was in love...

It all happened so quickly,
He looked into my eyes,
and I was sure...
I see forever.

I see a time from before, from now, until eternity,
There was no end, or no beginning,
It was continuous.

From when I looked into his eyes, I know,
that he is the face I see when I look up at the moon,
and wished that there was someone out there,
who thinks about me...
Someone who was looking for me.

He was the one I was looking for,
and nothing else matter anymore.
In that moment, I know,
that there was no him or me;
There was only me.
He is me.

But that moment passes so quickly.
Now that he was gone, I don't know where to look anymore.
Is there still love, beyond forever?...

Too Many Cups Of Tea...

One day, a student who is not so young went up to his teacher and said, "Teacher, teacher, please fill my cup!" Holding up and empty cup to his teacher, respectfully. (It means, asking the teacher to teach him something, as he is ready to learn.)

The teacher looked up from his meditating position towards him, then frowned, "Again?" He said, and looked away.

The student said, "No, no, I'm ready to learn, really!" bowing and looking up to him eagerly.

Teacher said, "Go, you don't need no filled cups anymore."

"B-but, I'm ready to learn, really. Please teach me, I really need to know!" getting somewhat pushy.

"Where are all your other cups?" teacher asked. "I have filled so many cups for you. Have you even tasted it yet?"

"Uhh..." student hesitated.

"What are you doing with them anyway?"

"Umm..." he hesitated some more.

"Come back when you've finished at least half of it. Then maybe... I can offer you more."

The student think about the buckets worth of tea he had collected from his teacher. It's going to take forever to finish! 

Uhh, well maybe not forever, but many nights, and many days, keeping his thirst quenced, and his senses soothed. What is he doing with it now, he doesn't even know. But right now, he can only turn around and go back to his room to contemplate, what he's gonna do with all the tea he collected. Sell it? Share it with friends? Finish them all on his own? What does one do with old tea? Does it go bad? Does it turn to wine? Tea wine?

He doesn't know. He's going to go back and taste it, see how it's like, before he asks his teacher for more.

There are some people whom others call, the eternal student (possibly coined by Stephen Covey) - people whom were forever stuck in a learning position, never able to expand beyond that, perhaps due to confidence issues or a certain kind of laziness. You might know a mysterious guy from uni who did one degree after another, or a doctorate after another, and never really leaving campus grounds and stuff.

If you ever feel not good enough, think about what sort of tea you have collected over your years. Check out how they taste like now, and figure out what you can do with it.

If you find yourself addicted to too many courses, seminars and programs and never seem to be getting enough and never feeling good enough, you may just be having the eternal student syndrom. Get yourself checked, or better, check what you have before asking for more.

Revive...

It's funny how my old blog site is still drawing traffic passively lately.

With that, and my determination to write more, I hereby revive my pretty little blog site of "too many things to say..."

Regards,

Newness...

Hi, its been like forever since I've updated this blog, more than a year now, but I have much to say, although not neccessarily feeling like typing them out and publishing them in the blogosphere here...

Neways, life has changed, things changed. I, having been in the dance and teaching profession, I'm really feeling it now. I can now see that dance is a very important part of me that cannot be taken away from me. And teaching, with the kids I work with everyday, with the opportunity to polish my delivery, refine my craft, share my vision, and contribute to the lives of some of the children... it really is a very rewarding experience on its own.

Some things took tragic turns... but its nothing that I cannot handle. All is still good, albeit difficult to live with. Living with that eyesore for a year now, not all is bad. I have taught myself to be stronger, better... and I am pushing myself to be a better person everyday, and to be a better person is always a good thing.

And along with that, I'm seeing myself more clearly now. Seeing myself for who I am, what I truly want, what I can potentially do, even what I could do now. I, am going through a process of self empowerment. I'll keep growing and growing. I'm not perfect, but I'll grow.

And with that, I now mark the new phase of my blog posts... me, as a dancer, teacher, choreographer. I, am Jennifer, Lai Fung Yen.

It is funny...

How life can change. Looking back, it all seem so far away now, and so funny I was that upset over something so far away, when I don't even know what lil sweet candies may be installed for me just in front.

But like I've said before, if it is right, it may be difficult, but it will be worth it. :)

Awakening to a new life...

Just as my handy booklet has come to its last page, so has one chapter of my life... complete with suspense, drama, and interesting surprises...

Just less than a week ago, I have "merdeka-ed" from my old job and celebrated my 25th birthday - a quarter of a century of my existence, a milestone in life. And it has also marked a major turn in my career. The timing couldn't be better...

It is not just a change of job, as I went through a long and thorough thought process. It was about taking responsibility of my own life, of my own happiness, of finally doing something I really wanted to do, not just doing what I think I should do, trying to fit into societal expectations, earning money. Giving up the familiarity of sitting in front of the computer all day, working on 3D Max and Photoshop; from working in the multimedia profession that I studied for, to stepping out in front of kids, trying to make a difference in their lives. I guess I'll miss it somehow, and hope to still keep in touch with some of those skill sets, and that side of me... And thinking about it, I'm thankful for the people who taught me all the cool, nifty tricks of the trade. Keep up the good work!

As I've also gotten a new car, thanks to my dear mom, I'm now practically being put in the driver seat. The choice is now mine, where do I want to go? I never believed in working for the sake of money. While I believe in persuing passions and meaning, I also understand that they still needs to be somehow applicable in our realities. But I also believe that once you are doing the things that you are meant to do, in a place that appreciates what you do, you will be able to do it so well, and shine so bright, that you will eventually be rewarded well for it.

The last few months was a heady and eventful one, with a huge wave of change for not only me, but also alot of people around me. Including my best friend getting married, relationships changing, other colleagues resigning, other friends changing jobs. And when it was my turn, it was all so heady and confusing, and I was more nervous, excited and positively stressed than I had ever been for as long as I can remember. And that was when I suddenly felt alive, gasping for my first breaths of air upon my awakening, emotions overflowing. It made me realise how it is, not to be living in apathy, in depression, but to wake up to reality, to true adulthood, to learning how to take responsibility of my own life, and at the same time realising that I've actually been living like a kid all along. The realisation wasn't all pleasant, but it was good. There used to be no reason to care, but now I do.

And the best part was to feel what it's like to be getting "in the zone", going with the flow, riding the waves of change. It gives you that natural high... and that natural glow. And it's wonderful to feel right, to be able to say from deep within my heart, that "Yes, this is what I want to do!"

Doing the right thing, does not mean that it will always be easy, but it will be worth while. It will not be free from obstacles, but it will be seen as a challenge. It may be difficult to get the ball to start rolling, but once it does, it will keep going. In an interesting twist of fate, I'm actually going to be teaching dance at my school, for they have it as a subject! It seems like destiny is a train, that once you are on the right track, it will take you to the right places.

In the mean time, I've also felt a little more in touch with the people around me. Good friends are few, but are worth keeping in touch with. And I have also finally understood what it means to be loved by someone, and what it means to love someone. I once said that my life is meaningful when I get to reach out to people, to open minds and hearts, sharing knowledge, improving quality of lives, finding each persons true potential. And my spirit feels alive when I get to dance my heart out, and be fed by the essences of unadultered nature. I actually forgot to mention love. It is one of those things that we tend to put in the second place, take for granted, when it is really what we look for all along. The icing on the cake of life. Afterall, what's a cake without the icing? Fruit cake, banana cake, carrot cake? Lol...

In my lifelong search of happiness so far, I have found that I will not be free from sadness, but I can go on as long as I know I am able to feel happiness. That life is not perfect, that we can't be too happy, that ups are still followed by downs, but it can still be good. That even though I cannot single handedly change the world, I can start by doing my own little part, with the little help from people around me.

And people around me, have helped me alot so far, in getting to where I am today. For one, my coach, have been instrumental in facilitating this major change in my life, in pushing me to doing what I feel was meant for me. For making this birthday so meaningful. And ofcourse my mom, who despite all the nonsense she tolerated from me, somehow still believes in me, and then got me that car for my birthday. And ofcourse family, friends and colleagues, people I have known throughout the years, who helped me through the rough patches, who have touched my life deeply, you know who you are, and I couldn't thank you all enough.

Tommorow will be the first day of school, where it all begins. So wish me luck...

Just like that and its all over...

Love is a bitter sweet candy... Never thought it would be so sweet, and yet it hurts so much sometimes... And even if you had known, you'd still eat it.

And as I play a song for you... my Triste Coeur, it has suddenly brought colour to a song I used to love playing, but never understood the meaning of the title or emotion behind it. Sad Heart. I'm surprised its the name of the song that sounded so sweet.

Sometimes, it just makes me wonder.... How often does love has to go one way? Does it ever return?


Edit:
Someone's rendition of Triste Coeur
This was really my favourite piano piece...

That morning, I woke up, and it was drizzling. Lying on my bed curled up sideways, I felt sobs, but it felt like I wasn't alone, especailly when I close my eyes. Don't know why, I just suddenly thought of that song, the song I've not been playing for such a long time, in my sweet melancholy. Sad heart, haha... now I know.