The Beginning of a Biography

Wow....

 It's been so many years... Looking back at these posts, so poignant, yet I've come so far. But have I? Some of those posts, feels so familiar and still so relevant, I thought they were written at a later time.

But yea... here I am again...

I have a friend who have been talking to me about writing biographies and it's benefits.

At first, the benefits didn't seem very clear to me, but recently, I saw some video ads of Dr. Jordan Peterson, promoting his Self Authoring Program, talking about how important it is to map out events in your life, so that you can also author your future, and hmm... I thought, ok, that makes sense.

So here I am. Not sure where to put all my life stories, but I guess, this page is personal enough in that sense.

So, where do we start? Hmmm.....

Let's start with a brief summary of my childhood and where I am.

I grew up in the suburbs near the capital city. I have both my parents, and a sister who was born 3 years after me.

Honestly, this part just started to get scary. I didn't realise how intense it is to just think about my childhood...

 I remember childhood being pretty confusing to me. There were a lot of things I didn't like, a lot of things I struggle with. Not to mention a lot more pain eventually.

I guess early childhood was ok. I was quite the docile child, easy to teach. But I get emotional and cry easily sometimes. This includes times when my mom, back during those times, often had to travel overseas for work. There is a photos of me, probably 2+, at the airport, in my mom's arms, holding a small Minnie Mouse, looking sad. My mom, with big 80s curly shoulder length hair, would smell nice of car air conditioning. She don't use perfume, but that smell is something that would be very distinct over the years, especially when she drives to pick me up from school. 

See, my mom's a career woman. She has a professional job. She loves her job, but she also had no choice. She was the breadwinner of the family as my dad was not very successful in his career, which is mostly attributed to his character, but that's a story for another day. 

Oh dear, so am I then determined to relive my parent's life as my own? With the roles flipped? Not great...

 So yea. There were often nights where my mom would come home late. I spent most of my days at the babysitter, which I've had a few. Some I was fond of, others, not so much... I had shared about this one old granny nanny I really loved, whom I was most fond of, but unfortunately, couldn't stay long with her as she had committed to baby sitting her own grandchild, which is of course of her utmost priority.

But of course generally, nothing would match having mommy by your side. But that was not my choice to make.

My mom was a rather... emotionally avoidant person, I would say. She's very professional, technical, you can say it's cold. Not that she don't love me, I know she does. But she has no idea what to do with emotions, especially since I have a lot of it...

I remember that I would cry during a certain sad scene of a Charlie Brown movie. I was too young to even know what they were talking about, but I knew they were sad, and I can't help but feel for them.

I would cry when I see people chop down trees to clear land...

But mom would probably say things like, "That's silly, it's nothing to cry about..."

 I remember one time when my mom wants me and my sister to take a picture, standing on her car bonnet. My sister have no qualms about it, but I was terrified! One, I was terrified of heights, even though that wasn't very high, and two, I was scared of the slipping down since the surface was inclined and slippery. But yet, they forced me to be there, stand up and smile to take a picture. Damn, I hated that...

Shows how sensitive they are huh...

And, my mom admitted that she had used crying it out to manage my night cries. And oh boy, if I could remember those nights, they were terrifying and lonely. How can I not be traumatised?

 So, that was just the beginning.

Still, I remember moments of playing on my own, which I actually very much enjoy. I have a favourite tea set, and some mini buckets. And later on, Legos and Play Dohs. Wonderful times!

My mom loved to get me books, and I could read very early in my life, probably around 2+ as well. She would read to me and with me way before that. Looking back, she's had high hopes in me. She knows I'm smart, and she intends to make the best of it, by cultivating my reading habit, starting my education early, both in maths and languages. But I have other interest, that is art.

She had supplied me with colour pencils, crayons, water colours, all through my childhood, and of course pencils and papers, and I would just draw anything, whether from imagination, memory, or referencing real life. It felt easy for me. Just putting mental perception to paper. I never grew up to be a very accomplished artist, but that was the case with many talents of mine. It was very easy for me to learn the basics, but I never get very far with them...

I could very easily spend much of my time just quietly drawing and colouring them on my own. There was one time when I needed to draw so much right after coming out of a shower, that I just laid there on the floor, still wrapped in towels, on the floor of my parent's bedroom and I started drawing...hahaha....

I guess the world did feel like my oyster at that time...

And then my sister was born.

The birth of my sister

After my sister was born, things changed (obviously). The first thing that was most significant to me was that, the promise of a sweet little sister I could take care of was shattered.

My little sister was nothing like what was, I guess my mom promised me - that I could take care of her, love her, play with her, and protect her. She turned out to be this loud, arrogant, demanding, epitome of a boss-baby. 

When my mom was away, like in the toilet or such, I would try to approach her, play with her, or do the things adults do to check on babies, especially if she seems to be crying or writhing. But upon my attempts, she would start crying, or cry even louder if she already was. The more I try, the more she would cry. Can you imagine the sense of disappointment and rejection? She would look at me with judgy eyes and cry with a judgy tone..."Stay away, you fool..."

My parents and their marriage

I can't say when I started noticing, but back before my sister was born, my dad used to take us on joy rides on his motorbike. I guess he's had solo joy rides or with his friends. Sometimes, he would take both me and mom. Sometimes, it's just him and mom.

But as my mom got pregnant with my sister, she got more wary of riding the motorcycle. Not that she needs to since she drives a car. It was more practical. She started refusing to join those motorcycle joyrides. And also started protesting that it was not safe for me since they don't have a proper helmet for me. 

I remember one such conversation that went like...

Mom: Don't take her, it's not safe, she don't have a helmet.

Me: But I can wear yours.

Mom: But it's not the right size. Cannot...

Me: Then we can buy one my size.

Mom: Waste money. Why wanna buy one? You don't need it.

I remember feeling very sad about it. I don't understand why it suddenly mattered when we had done that so many times. Either I don't wear a helmet, or I sometimes wore mom's. I remember feeling safe, loving the feeling of wind blowing in my hair and face. I loved the intimacy of it, the quietness, the silent connection. There was so much of my dad in those bike rides. It was his way of expressing who he was, and his love for us. It was his way of communicating himself to us...

I remember very vividly, one of those last few times we went for those rides. My mom had just rejected dad's invitation to go for a ride. She needed to cook, she said. And as we were getting ready to leave, I remember seeing her silhouette, standing very pregnant, near the stove. She seemed disgruntled, frustrated that he didn't know better but to bring me for a ride again, reminding us that I didn't have a helmet on, and that he needed to be careful. 

I remembered, how it was so sombre... He took me to the hills of Section 10, an hilly area just up a long slope. It was being cleared for new development. I remember the barren brown soils, and a few remnant patches of trees of what used to be lush greenery. Looking over the end of the slope, right before the valley, we just sat or stood there for some minutes. With wind blowing in my face and hair, and then there were other who were there doing the same, looking at the massive development that is about to happen before our eyes. Sometimes my dad would chat one of those strangers up, getting more titbits of what they know. Soon after, there was nothing left to see, and we got on our way back. I think we went around the neighbourhood for a bit. I can't remember, but we do that sometimes.

I remember that being the most intimate moment I had with my dad... perhaps, one of the most peaceful ones, before he .. changed? I dunno if he did, or he just got worse from what he had already shown of him. A bad temper. And of course, my sister was born.

Never the same again

I guess there is a major part of me that held those periods with a lot of nostalgia. I couldn't let go of the fact that things changed so much after that and was never the same again. It was never sweet again. There was much tension between my parents, never much love.

There probably were a handful of rides with my sister, but very few and only around the neighbourhood as my mom wouldn't approve of dad taking us to the main road up the hill to Section 10. Plus, soon after, the roads were fully paved and traffic got busy. I don't have a memory of how it was like during the construction phases, but before I knew it, there were houses, roads and apartments built already. 

Mom recalled that around the time my sister was born, my dad  lost his job. I guess that's the source of tension I felt back then, aside from the fact that their relationship was falling apart.

I guess there was a part of me that blamed my mom for her rejection towards my dad's shows of affection via bike rides, that caused the demise of whatever affection they still had for each other. But I guess, what do I know right? I was just a child. Surely, there was a lot more going on between them, that was the cause of tension and loss of love.

But the bike rides, it was symbolic to me. It was a symbol of my dad's identity. When they first dated, I was told, he would always take her on his bike. Surely. But a few years later, she insisted that my dad sell his bike. By then, she got herself a second car, and he gets the older car. The bike was there, just for recreation. The occasional rides. But most important of all, a fragment of his identity, and memories of romance they had together before this.

Falling Gracefully

All the time, I had only wanted to love, to know what love feels like, to love and be loved, by a one and only.

But I haven't been able to.

Why?

I have come to realise that the only standing between me and love is myself. Me, not letting myself love, or fall in love, or to give love. I was holding back.

In a game of "socks skating," or probably any form of skating for that matter, it is important that one learns to loosen up and let go, especially at the verge of falling. What one needs to learn is how to fall gracefully, as to not hurt ourselves or look clumsy. There is, certainly, ways to fall gracefully and recover without looking like a fool. But the first step is to let go and let one-self fall.

Can I fall gracefully and recover, in love?

Not yet, thus far.

When the moment comes, I find myself holding back, being scared - scared of falling for the wrong reasons, scared of getting hurt, scared of being too involved, too early - I tighten up.

But guess what? I got hurt anyway. Somehow, one way or the other, no matter how much I hold myself back, how much I try not to be too involved, I still got hurt. I'm a very feeling person. I feel the loss, the emptiness very deeply. But to make it worse, I even have regrets - regrets of what could have been, regrets that I shouldn't have done that just to protect myself when my heart wanted otherwise, regrets that if I had been more honest and sincere with my feelings, it would have been mirrored. But all that is too late... too late. I hurt other people's feeling, I hurt myself, wasting everyone's time and energy, when I choose to hold back in the last minute.

My fear is not unfounded though. The first time I dated a guy I claimed not to like very much, when we broke up, I cried like madness, I felt like my whole life is crumbling down. Took me a year to recover. The last time, I met this guy twice, and he felt like the world to me. I couldn't get his name and thoughts of him out of my head for... umm, another year.

Either way, I was just plain clumsy, stumbling all over the place, lots of cuts and bruises. Is there a way to fall gracefully? And then to recover well and alive?

People say to be not so intense. But I panic.

Perhaps a little more practice would do.


Fall? Here I come...

Do I Remember How It Was Like To Be In Love?

One day, I sat and asked myself this question. How it was like to be in love? Do I remember a time?

And I remembered a time, when I was in love...

It all happened so quickly,
He looked into my eyes,
and I was sure...
I see forever.

I see a time from before, from now, until eternity,
There was no end, or no beginning,
It was continuous.

From when I looked into his eyes, I know,
that he is the face I see when I look up at the moon,
and wished that there was someone out there,
who thinks about me...
Someone who was looking for me.

He was the one I was looking for,
and nothing else matter anymore.
In that moment, I know,
that there was no him or me;
There was only me.
He is me.

But that moment passes so quickly.
Now that he was gone, I don't know where to look anymore.
Is there still love, beyond forever?...

Monologue: Never Thought It Would Come To This

This is a possibly 1 minutes monologue that I just wrote for myself, in case I would like to use it for an audition or something, since I am now moving towards pursuing my love for acting. Went to a Short+Sweet workshop at KLPAC, by Alex Broun and Dana Dajani, I was encouraged to start writing scripts. So here it is...

Loosely based on the White-Wolf - World of Darkness vampires in the game, Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines, the idea came from a dream I had, more like a nightmare of myself as a fledgling thin-blood - hungry, scared, confused and being chased by hunters. So here, I wrote this fan-fic monologue that would have happened, outside of my dream scenario...

(Looking around, squeezing in to sit a tight space.)

Is it safe here? It should be, it should be.

(Panting, curling up in the dark corner, taking time to breathe and reflect.)

How can my life/it all come to this?

It seems like just yesterday when you sired me…

Life would have been beautiful, dark, filled with new (, juicy) adventure!

But now, I’m just running, night after night, just running, from those… monsters. Those… blood… thirsty… monsters…

How could they?…  So cold blooded… So heartless… Slaughtering our brethren, like game animals…

Hypocrites who brand themselves as soldiers of salvation, crusaders of the light… salvation my arse! Each one of them, just as blood thirsty and monstrous as anyone of our kind. Worse. We only kill to survive. They… killing for the numbers, treating us like trophies, feeding their ego, feeding their pride… Lustful. Bloodthirtsy. Hungry. Monsters…

Oh… Jacob, Eliza, Abby….. (Sobbing uncontrollably) So… much… blood… everywhere…

Blood… Oh, I need blood…

Oh how long has it been? Three… Four… four nights…

… Rats. Is that all I can have now?

Can’t feed on a human without getting caught…

I don’t want to run, no more… Sire, where are you? Why can’t you take me with you?

This curse, ‘thin bloods’… Why am I a thin blood?

I will never to be as fast and as strong as you, never to be one of your kind…

But just as hungry as you are… Just as wanted by those bloody… hunters.

Never knew it would come to this… would you?

Rats… yeah… rats.

(Swiftly catches a rat or two, or three, suck them dry, breathes a sigh of relief…)

If for any reason you would like to use this piece in anyway, please leave a comment below.

Too Many Cups Of Tea...

One day, a student who is not so young went up to his teacher and said, "Teacher, teacher, please fill my cup!" Holding up and empty cup to his teacher, respectfully. (It means, asking the teacher to teach him something, as he is ready to learn.)

The teacher looked up from his meditating position towards him, then frowned, "Again?" He said, and looked away.

The student said, "No, no, I'm ready to learn, really!" bowing and looking up to him eagerly.

Teacher said, "Go, you don't need no filled cups anymore."

"B-but, I'm ready to learn, really. Please teach me, I really need to know!" getting somewhat pushy.

"Where are all your other cups?" teacher asked. "I have filled so many cups for you. Have you even tasted it yet?"

"Uhh..." student hesitated.

"What are you doing with them anyway?"

"Umm..." he hesitated some more.

"Come back when you've finished at least half of it. Then maybe... I can offer you more."

The student think about the buckets worth of tea he had collected from his teacher. It's going to take forever to finish! 

Uhh, well maybe not forever, but many nights, and many days, keeping his thirst quenced, and his senses soothed. What is he doing with it now, he doesn't even know. But right now, he can only turn around and go back to his room to contemplate, what he's gonna do with all the tea he collected. Sell it? Share it with friends? Finish them all on his own? What does one do with old tea? Does it go bad? Does it turn to wine? Tea wine?

He doesn't know. He's going to go back and taste it, see how it's like, before he asks his teacher for more.

There are some people whom others call, the eternal student (possibly coined by Stephen Covey) - people whom were forever stuck in a learning position, never able to expand beyond that, perhaps due to confidence issues or a certain kind of laziness. You might know a mysterious guy from uni who did one degree after another, or a doctorate after another, and never really leaving campus grounds and stuff.

If you ever feel not good enough, think about what sort of tea you have collected over your years. Check out how they taste like now, and figure out what you can do with it.

If you find yourself addicted to too many courses, seminars and programs and never seem to be getting enough and never feeling good enough, you may just be having the eternal student syndrom. Get yourself checked, or better, check what you have before asking for more.

Revive...

It's funny how my old blog site is still drawing traffic passively lately.

With that, and my determination to write more, I hereby revive my pretty little blog site of "too many things to say..."

Regards,

Valentines Day...

When girls and boys come out to play, there is love in the air...
Where there is love, there is no war...
The lack of love breeds judgement, hatred and contempt...
Haters... they may just be men who do not know of the tenderness of a womans love,
and women who are starved of the love of a man...
......Don't be a hater, just love and let love...

Happy Valentines Day...

Newness...

Hi, its been like forever since I've updated this blog, more than a year now, but I have much to say, although not neccessarily feeling like typing them out and publishing them in the blogosphere here...

Neways, life has changed, things changed. I, having been in the dance and teaching profession, I'm really feeling it now. I can now see that dance is a very important part of me that cannot be taken away from me. And teaching, with the kids I work with everyday, with the opportunity to polish my delivery, refine my craft, share my vision, and contribute to the lives of some of the children... it really is a very rewarding experience on its own.

Some things took tragic turns... but its nothing that I cannot handle. All is still good, albeit difficult to live with. Living with that eyesore for a year now, not all is bad. I have taught myself to be stronger, better... and I am pushing myself to be a better person everyday, and to be a better person is always a good thing.

And along with that, I'm seeing myself more clearly now. Seeing myself for who I am, what I truly want, what I can potentially do, even what I could do now. I, am going through a process of self empowerment. I'll keep growing and growing. I'm not perfect, but I'll grow.

And with that, I now mark the new phase of my blog posts... me, as a dancer, teacher, choreographer. I, am Jennifer, Lai Fung Yen.

It is funny...

How life can change. Looking back, it all seem so far away now, and so funny I was that upset over something so far away, when I don't even know what lil sweet candies may be installed for me just in front.

But like I've said before, if it is right, it may be difficult, but it will be worth it. :)

Dreams...

Some dreams are not reachable, or just not meant to be reached. Sometimes, they are better off remaining perfect in dreams, rather than be tainted by the ugliness of reality...

Perhaps, some dreams are meant to just remain as that... dreams.

Indulge in Pure Gastronomical Decadence

Yesterday, I was at KLCC with my mom and sis, doing our usual weekend shopping rounds. And came across the Godiva outlet, and saw some tempting looking poster of their Chocolixir. Sun said it was really good, but have yet to try it myself. Got exited, then brushed it off, thinking of saving it for another time.

Then, after a few walks, we passed by again, and this time, mom and sis said, "oh c'mon, if you want it, just go get it." So the last defense was broken...

I slipped into the store, cheekily walked up to the waiter, carefully studied the Chocolixir menu, and my taste buds squealed, "Dark Chocolate Decadence"... - "with whipped cream topping?" - "yes(!)", with the grin of a little girl...

Waited giddily as he puts the ice and fine dark chocolates to blend, carefully preparing the chocolate sauce, lacing some inside the cup, laying down the serviette and straw on the counter, shaking up the whipped cream, and as the ice comes to a thorough blend, pours the exquisite mixture out, topping it with cream, and finishing it with drippy chocolate sauce, and laid the delightful chiller on the countertop, I paid the "fine sum", and there... my very first taste of heaven-in-a-cup - with little crunchy bites of chocolates!~... there goes my gastronomical morals...

Pure Sin...













Can you resist the temptation?
I know I can't...

The Rule of the Thumb...

Yeah, so the thumb rules...

I mean the thumb drive. Gotta give it the credits - here's why.

About 7 years ago, when the thumb drive first became popular here, when 100MB of storage cost about RM300, I thought, "Darn, that was too expensive. I'll wait till the price gets lower." After all, electronics always devalue after awhile. Plus, I didn't need it. I was happy to settle with burning CDs and occasionally the diskette for smaller files (yes I was still using diskettes until computers begin to exclude floppy drives as an essential compartment).

Then, about a year later, the price dropped, to about RM200 for about 200MB of space. I thought, that's still too expensive. I'll wait till the price halves, and the storage doubles. But when the times comes, I thought, I still don't need it that badly and it's still expensive. I'll wait till the price goes below RM20, or till I really need it, then I'll buy.

Well, over the years, the price did dwindle, and the capacity multiplied many folds. The regular range in the market is between 2 to 16 Gig now, though the price have not reached below RM20, but I believe that it has come to a time when I really need it now, so I gave in and got myself a Kingston DT101C/4GB Data Traveller for RM32 after discount, my first thumbdrive after so many year. So finally, thumb won.

Now, when am I gonna get that portable harddisk and laptop?...

Awakening to a new life...

Just as my handy booklet has come to its last page, so has one chapter of my life... complete with suspense, drama, and interesting surprises...

Just less than a week ago, I have "merdeka-ed" from my old job and celebrated my 25th birthday - a quarter of a century of my existence, a milestone in life. And it has also marked a major turn in my career. The timing couldn't be better...

It is not just a change of job, as I went through a long and thorough thought process. It was about taking responsibility of my own life, of my own happiness, of finally doing something I really wanted to do, not just doing what I think I should do, trying to fit into societal expectations, earning money. Giving up the familiarity of sitting in front of the computer all day, working on 3D Max and Photoshop; from working in the multimedia profession that I studied for, to stepping out in front of kids, trying to make a difference in their lives. I guess I'll miss it somehow, and hope to still keep in touch with some of those skill sets, and that side of me... And thinking about it, I'm thankful for the people who taught me all the cool, nifty tricks of the trade. Keep up the good work!

As I've also gotten a new car, thanks to my dear mom, I'm now practically being put in the driver seat. The choice is now mine, where do I want to go? I never believed in working for the sake of money. While I believe in persuing passions and meaning, I also understand that they still needs to be somehow applicable in our realities. But I also believe that once you are doing the things that you are meant to do, in a place that appreciates what you do, you will be able to do it so well, and shine so bright, that you will eventually be rewarded well for it.

The last few months was a heady and eventful one, with a huge wave of change for not only me, but also alot of people around me. Including my best friend getting married, relationships changing, other colleagues resigning, other friends changing jobs. And when it was my turn, it was all so heady and confusing, and I was more nervous, excited and positively stressed than I had ever been for as long as I can remember. And that was when I suddenly felt alive, gasping for my first breaths of air upon my awakening, emotions overflowing. It made me realise how it is, not to be living in apathy, in depression, but to wake up to reality, to true adulthood, to learning how to take responsibility of my own life, and at the same time realising that I've actually been living like a kid all along. The realisation wasn't all pleasant, but it was good. There used to be no reason to care, but now I do.

And the best part was to feel what it's like to be getting "in the zone", going with the flow, riding the waves of change. It gives you that natural high... and that natural glow. And it's wonderful to feel right, to be able to say from deep within my heart, that "Yes, this is what I want to do!"

Doing the right thing, does not mean that it will always be easy, but it will be worth while. It will not be free from obstacles, but it will be seen as a challenge. It may be difficult to get the ball to start rolling, but once it does, it will keep going. In an interesting twist of fate, I'm actually going to be teaching dance at my school, for they have it as a subject! It seems like destiny is a train, that once you are on the right track, it will take you to the right places.

In the mean time, I've also felt a little more in touch with the people around me. Good friends are few, but are worth keeping in touch with. And I have also finally understood what it means to be loved by someone, and what it means to love someone. I once said that my life is meaningful when I get to reach out to people, to open minds and hearts, sharing knowledge, improving quality of lives, finding each persons true potential. And my spirit feels alive when I get to dance my heart out, and be fed by the essences of unadultered nature. I actually forgot to mention love. It is one of those things that we tend to put in the second place, take for granted, when it is really what we look for all along. The icing on the cake of life. Afterall, what's a cake without the icing? Fruit cake, banana cake, carrot cake? Lol...

In my lifelong search of happiness so far, I have found that I will not be free from sadness, but I can go on as long as I know I am able to feel happiness. That life is not perfect, that we can't be too happy, that ups are still followed by downs, but it can still be good. That even though I cannot single handedly change the world, I can start by doing my own little part, with the little help from people around me.

And people around me, have helped me alot so far, in getting to where I am today. For one, my coach, have been instrumental in facilitating this major change in my life, in pushing me to doing what I feel was meant for me. For making this birthday so meaningful. And ofcourse my mom, who despite all the nonsense she tolerated from me, somehow still believes in me, and then got me that car for my birthday. And ofcourse family, friends and colleagues, people I have known throughout the years, who helped me through the rough patches, who have touched my life deeply, you know who you are, and I couldn't thank you all enough.

Tommorow will be the first day of school, where it all begins. So wish me luck...

Perhaps, in another lifetime...

There's this story...


Yet another lifetime wasted...

And so you stood over the fence, asking me come over...
"Come in here, this is where its real, this is the truth, this is where it will all happen..."
I said, "No, you come out. It's outside here that is the world, the truth. Can't you see? You've stayed in there for too long, you've been blinded. We both belong out here!"
"You just never listen do you?"
"Why can't you listen to me instead?"
You shook your head, "No... this is the only truth I know... can't you see what I see?"

Pain starts burning in my heart...
"Fine... Perhaps the path we took has been too different. Lets wait for another lifetime then. Or as many lifetimes as it takes... then perhaps, you would understand..."

...but I'll keep searching for you, the balm for the ache of a thousand years...

"But you don't know my truth the way I do..."
"Maybe I can try..."
"No...you never will..."

Fiery Passion...

Whatever that relies too much on fiery passion will eventually burn, ... as well as fire may eventually burn out.

It is dangerous, it never lasts.

Whatever you do, always bring your brain along...

Just like that and its all over...

Love is a bitter sweet candy... Never thought it would be so sweet, and yet it hurts so much sometimes... And even if you had known, you'd still eat it.

And as I play a song for you... my Triste Coeur, it has suddenly brought colour to a song I used to love playing, but never understood the meaning of the title or emotion behind it. Sad Heart. I'm surprised its the name of the song that sounded so sweet.

Sometimes, it just makes me wonder.... How often does love has to go one way? Does it ever return?


Edit:
Someone's rendition of Triste Coeur
This was really my favourite piano piece...

That morning, I woke up, and it was drizzling. Lying on my bed curled up sideways, I felt sobs, but it felt like I wasn't alone, especailly when I close my eyes. Don't know why, I just suddenly thought of that song, the song I've not been playing for such a long time, in my sweet melancholy. Sad heart, haha... now I know.

Starting anew

Its been a long, long white, and as you may have noticed, my VR project page is no longer here. I moved it here. So yeah, this will be my personal page now, maybe I'll be posting other art and stuff.Haven't decided, but it'll most likely be. Since my website at jenncrystal.enhancefilm.com is now down, I'm considering to just be contended to be residing here, at least for the time being. Ok then, thanks for visiting, if any one actually happened to have crashlanded here...

C ya.

Safe place to live in...

I thought that I'll be spending a boring sunday afternoon cleaning up my room, preparing for the coming Chinese new Year, when I suddenly came here and read some fellow dudes blogs. And at first, something intrests me...http://vulturesrow.blogspot.com/2006/01/day-world-almost-died.html I was like...ooo... i might have never been conceived... Then, back to our own land, something shakens my thoughts... With issues like this, this and errr...(nude squat, anybody??) I'm starting to gets the chills, wondering if our country is still a safe place to live in. They want us to go back to China you see, and they wanna make this the next Afghanistan. (wow...see, those people are holdin hands...ewww....so indecent. Children mustn't see that you know. Or they will learn those bad behaviours and socialise with people from the opposite sex. We must prevent that. Otherwise, they'll have sex with everyone they meet...) And young people should not group together you know... cos they'll have an orgy every oppotuniy they can... US is about to go to war with everyone else who have oil, who is potentially richer than them, someone might hate them so much and nuke their land. Same goes to Britain and Aus for going to war in Iraq with fellow Bush. Anyone other counry might just get hit with a war cos you might own "bioligical weapons", "infringe human rights", "you are a communist" or "you possess nuclear weapons". Otherwise, you might lose your head...literally... for "not being a member of a certain religion" or someday, someone might launch a genocide upon you and your kind of people, simply because, you are not their kind. Sometimes, your same kind abuse you just as bad simply because they want to be "the greatest". Is there any place in the world where its still a safe place to live in? I think there can never be a truly safe place to live in this world. I feel sad for Lt. Col. Stanislav Petrov's eventual life and the death of his wife. Sometimes, dont we just wish the world will just end. Life and love, and anything that you might possess is fragile, so is peace. Therefore, i guess there really isn't much to think about. You just keep fighting for dear life everyday, and be thankful you made it through another day, and smile for all thats still beautiful amists these human chaos. =) Give a smile for peace...