Falling Gracefully

All the time, I had only wanted to love, to know what love feels like, to love and be loved, by a one and only.

But I haven't been able to.

Why?

I have come to realise that the only standing between me and love is myself. Me, not letting myself love, or fall in love, or to give love. I was holding back.

In a game of "socks skating," or probably any form of skating for that matter, it is important that one learns to loosen up and let go, especially at the verge of falling. What one needs to learn is how to fall gracefully, as to not hurt ourselves or look clumsy. There is, certainly, ways to fall gracefully and recover without looking like a fool. But the first step is to let go and let one-self fall.

Can I fall gracefully and recover, in love?

Not yet, thus far.

When the moment comes, I find myself holding back, being scared - scared of falling for the wrong reasons, scared of getting hurt, scared of being too involved, too early - I tighten up.

But guess what? I got hurt anyway. Somehow, one way or the other, no matter how much I hold myself back, how much I try not to be too involved, I still got hurt. I'm a very feeling person. I feel the loss, the emptiness very deeply. But to make it worse, I even have regrets - regrets of what could have been, regrets that I shouldn't have done that just to protect myself when my heart wanted otherwise, regrets that if I had been more honest and sincere with my feelings, it would have been mirrored. But all that is too late... too late. I hurt other people's feeling, I hurt myself, wasting everyone's time and energy, when I choose to hold back in the last minute.

My fear is not unfounded though. The first time I dated a guy I claimed not to like very much, when we broke up, I cried like madness, I felt like my whole life is crumbling down. Took me a year to recover. The last time, I met this guy twice, and he felt like the world to me. I couldn't get his name and thoughts of him out of my head for... umm, another year.

Either way, I was just plain clumsy, stumbling all over the place, lots of cuts and bruises. Is there a way to fall gracefully? And then to recover well and alive?

People say to be not so intense. But I panic.

Perhaps a little more practice would do.


Fall? Here I come...