Falling Gracefully

All the time, I had only wanted to love, to know what love feels like, to love and be loved, by a one and only.

But I haven't been able to.

Why?

I have come to realise that the only standing between me and love is myself. Me, not letting myself love, or fall in love, or to give love. I was holding back.

In a game of "socks skating," or probably any form of skating for that matter, it is important that one learns to loosen up and let go, especially at the verge of falling. What one needs to learn is how to fall gracefully, as to not hurt ourselves or look clumsy. There is, certainly, ways to fall gracefully and recover without looking like a fool. But the first step is to let go and let one-self fall.

Can I fall gracefully and recover, in love?

Not yet, thus far.

When the moment comes, I find myself holding back, being scared - scared of falling for the wrong reasons, scared of getting hurt, scared of being too involved, too early - I tighten up.

But guess what? I got hurt anyway. Somehow, one way or the other, no matter how much I hold myself back, how much I try not to be too involved, I still got hurt. I'm a very feeling person. I feel the loss, the emptiness very deeply. But to make it worse, I even have regrets - regrets of what could have been, regrets that I shouldn't have done that just to protect myself when my heart wanted otherwise, regrets that if I had been more honest and sincere with my feelings, it would have been mirrored. But all that is too late... too late. I hurt other people's feeling, I hurt myself, wasting everyone's time and energy, when I choose to hold back in the last minute.

My fear is not unfounded though. The first time I dated a guy I claimed not to like very much, when we broke up, I cried like madness, I felt like my whole life is crumbling down. Took me a year to recover. The last time, I met this guy twice, and he felt like the world to me. I couldn't get his name and thoughts of him out of my head for... umm, another year.

Either way, I was just plain clumsy, stumbling all over the place, lots of cuts and bruises. Is there a way to fall gracefully? And then to recover well and alive?

People say to be not so intense. But I panic.

Perhaps a little more practice would do.


Fall? Here I come...

Do I Remember How It Was Like To Be In Love?

One day, I sat and asked myself this question. How it was like to be in love? Do I remember a time?

And I remembered a time, when I was in love...

It all happened so quickly,
He looked into my eyes,
and I was sure...
I see forever.

I see a time from before, from now, until eternity,
There was no end, or no beginning,
It was continuous.

From when I looked into his eyes, I know,
that he is the face I see when I look up at the moon,
and wished that there was someone out there,
who thinks about me...
Someone who was looking for me.

He was the one I was looking for,
and nothing else matter anymore.
In that moment, I know,
that there was no him or me;
There was only me.
He is me.

But that moment passes so quickly.
Now that he was gone, I don't know where to look anymore.
Is there still love, beyond forever?...

Monologue: Never Thought It Would Come To This

This is a possibly 1 minutes monologue that I just wrote for myself, in case I would like to use it for an audition or something, since I am now moving towards pursuing my love for acting. Went to a Short+Sweet workshop at KLPAC, by Alex Broun and Dana Dajani, I was encouraged to start writing scripts. So here it is...

Loosely based on the White-Wolf - World of Darkness vampires in the game, Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines, the idea came from a dream I had, more like a nightmare of myself as a fledgling thin-blood - hungry, scared, confused and being chased by hunters. So here, I wrote this fan-fic monologue that would have happened, outside of my dream scenario...

(Looking around, squeezing in to sit a tight space.)

Is it safe here? It should be, it should be.

(Panting, curling up in the dark corner, taking time to breathe and reflect.)

How can my life/it all come to this?

It seems like just yesterday when you sired me…

Life would have been beautiful, dark, filled with new (, juicy) adventure!

But now, I’m just running, night after night, just running, from those… monsters. Those… blood… thirsty… monsters…

How could they?…  So cold blooded… So heartless… Slaughtering our brethren, like game animals…

Hypocrites who brand themselves as soldiers of salvation, crusaders of the light… salvation my arse! Each one of them, just as blood thirsty and monstrous as anyone of our kind. Worse. We only kill to survive. They… killing for the numbers, treating us like trophies, feeding their ego, feeding their pride… Lustful. Bloodthirtsy. Hungry. Monsters…

Oh… Jacob, Eliza, Abby….. (Sobbing uncontrollably) So… much… blood… everywhere…

Blood… Oh, I need blood…

Oh how long has it been? Three… Four… four nights…

… Rats. Is that all I can have now?

Can’t feed on a human without getting caught…

I don’t want to run, no more… Sire, where are you? Why can’t you take me with you?

This curse, ‘thin bloods’… Why am I a thin blood?

I will never to be as fast and as strong as you, never to be one of your kind…

But just as hungry as you are… Just as wanted by those bloody… hunters.

Never knew it would come to this… would you?

Rats… yeah… rats.

(Swiftly catches a rat or two, or three, suck them dry, breathes a sigh of relief…)

If for any reason you would like to use this piece in anyway, please leave a comment below.

Too Many Cups Of Tea...

One day, a student who is not so young went up to his teacher and said, "Teacher, teacher, please fill my cup!" Holding up and empty cup to his teacher, respectfully. (It means, asking the teacher to teach him something, as he is ready to learn.)

The teacher looked up from his meditating position towards him, then frowned, "Again?" He said, and looked away.

The student said, "No, no, I'm ready to learn, really!" bowing and looking up to him eagerly.

Teacher said, "Go, you don't need no filled cups anymore."

"B-but, I'm ready to learn, really. Please teach me, I really need to know!" getting somewhat pushy.

"Where are all your other cups?" teacher asked. "I have filled so many cups for you. Have you even tasted it yet?"

"Uhh..." student hesitated.

"What are you doing with them anyway?"

"Umm..." he hesitated some more.

"Come back when you've finished at least half of it. Then maybe... I can offer you more."

The student think about the buckets worth of tea he had collected from his teacher. It's going to take forever to finish! 

Uhh, well maybe not forever, but many nights, and many days, keeping his thirst quenced, and his senses soothed. What is he doing with it now, he doesn't even know. But right now, he can only turn around and go back to his room to contemplate, what he's gonna do with all the tea he collected. Sell it? Share it with friends? Finish them all on his own? What does one do with old tea? Does it go bad? Does it turn to wine? Tea wine?

He doesn't know. He's going to go back and taste it, see how it's like, before he asks his teacher for more.

There are some people whom others call, the eternal student (possibly coined by Stephen Covey) - people whom were forever stuck in a learning position, never able to expand beyond that, perhaps due to confidence issues or a certain kind of laziness. You might know a mysterious guy from uni who did one degree after another, or a doctorate after another, and never really leaving campus grounds and stuff.

If you ever feel not good enough, think about what sort of tea you have collected over your years. Check out how they taste like now, and figure out what you can do with it.

If you find yourself addicted to too many courses, seminars and programs and never seem to be getting enough and never feeling good enough, you may just be having the eternal student syndrom. Get yourself checked, or better, check what you have before asking for more.

Revive...

It's funny how my old blog site is still drawing traffic passively lately.

With that, and my determination to write more, I hereby revive my pretty little blog site of "too many things to say..."

Regards,